Little Johnny comes into school one morning wearing a brand-new watch. His best friend, little Benny, wants to know where the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: “I was coming from the bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my parent’s bedroom. I walked in and saw them bouncing up and down. Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn’t tell the family. I asked for a new watch and here it is.” Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens outside his parents’ bedroom for any strange noises and, sure enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the other side of the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the whole affair. Benny immediately says, “I want a watch.” The dad sighs and says, “Alright, but go and stand in the corner and don’t make any noise.”
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Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before Dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and Daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!”
Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?” The dad answered, “Playing Cards.” Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?” The dad answered, “Your mom.” Little Johnny then passed by his older sister’s room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, “Hey, Sis, what are you doing?” The sister answered, “Playing Cards.” Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?” She answered, “My boyfriend.” A little later, Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny’s room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, “What are you doing?” Little Johnny answered, “Playing Cards.” Dad asked, “Really? Who’s your partner?” Little Johnny answered, “You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand!”
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Little Johnny was supposed to have a “current event” every day for school. He never did his homework and one day his teacher said, “Johnny, if you don’t have a current event for class tomorrow you will fail and have to take this class again next year.” He went home, went to bed, and forgot all about it. The next morning on his way to school he remembered and thought to himself, Damn, I forgot to prepare my current event. Then he saw a cat with two dogs chasing it run across the railway line. The cat made it across but a train hit the dogs. When he got to school he yelled, “Teacher, teacher, I have my current event!” She said, “OK what is it, Johnny?” He told her, “This morning on my way to school I saw a cat run across the railway line, and the two dogs that were chasing it got hit in the ass by a train.” She said, “Johnny! Don’t use language like that. Say ‘rectum.’” He laughed and said, “Wrecked ’em, hell, it killed ’em both.”
Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest!?” Unsure of how to reply she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asks his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why, Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.” Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!” His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?” “Uncle Harry is blowing up mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”
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Little Johnny is in the middle of class and stands up and says, “I have to piss.” The teacher says, “Now, Johnny, the proper word is ‘urinate’ and while you’re in the bathroom I want you to think of a sentence that has the word ‘urinate’ in it.” So Johnny goes, does his thing, and comes back and the teacher asks, “Well, Johnny, did you think of a sentence?” He says, “Yes...urinate, and if you had bigger tits you’d be a ten.”
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself: television, ice cream, homework, and video games, but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and go home. At this point, the boy’s uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment, the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny’s uncle, “What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven’t heard a peep from him all day!” “Not much,” the boy’s uncle replied. “I just showed him how to masturbate.”
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Little Johnny watched his science teacher start an experiment with worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol. The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a jar of sperm. The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil. After one day, these were the results: The first worm in alcohol—dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke—dead. The third worm in sperm—is dead. The fourth worm in the soil—alive. So the science teacher asked the class, “What can you learn from this experiment?” Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke, and have sex, you won’t have worms.”
Little Johnny and his mother were out and about. Little Johnny, out of the blue, asked his mother, “Mommy, how old are you?” The mother responded, “Women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.” Little Johnny then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?” His mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this too, as you grow up.” Little Johnny, still wanting to know about his mother, then fired off another question, “Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?” The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Johnny, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.” Then Little Johnny, frustrated, sulks until he is dropped off at a friend’s house to play. He consulted with his friend about his conversation with his mother. His friend said, “All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother’s driving license. It’s just like a report card from school. It tells you everything.” Later, Little Johnny and his mother were out and about again. Little Johnny began with, “Mommy, mommy, I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.” The mother was very shocked. She asked, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?” Little Johnny shrugged and said, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds.” “Where did you learn that?” asked the mother again. Little Johnny said, “I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher called on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually, his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. “It’s a period,” reported Johnny. “Well, I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period?” “Damned if I know,” said Johnny. “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.
Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said, “Mr. Smith, Susie and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.” Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, “Well, Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?” Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied, “In Susie’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.” Still thinking this was just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, “Okay then, how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Susie.” Again, Johnny instantly replied, “Our allowance. Susie has $5 a week and I have $10 a week. That’s about $60 a month, and that’ll do us just fine.” By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn’t have an answer for. After a second, Mr. Smith said, “Well, Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?” Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far...”
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Education class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. “Does anyone know what this is?” she asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my daddy has two of them!” “Two of them?!” the teacher asked. “Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!”
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?” “I’m in love,” replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, “With whom?” “With you!” he said. “But, Little Johnny,” said the teacher gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? Sure, I’d like a husband of my own someday, but I don’t want a child.” “Oh, don’t worry,” said Little Johnny reassuringly, “I’ll use a condom!”
Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching the four basic food groups. Johnny asks, “What food group do light bulbs fall into?” His teacher replies, “Light bulbs are not edible and they don’t fall into any food group.” Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little Johnny to drop the subject, but he just would not let it go. He says, “I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my dad tell my mom that if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!”
Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny’s father, in an attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously, “What are you doing, Dad?” His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.” Little Johnny replied, “What are you going to do, fuck him?”
A teacher asks her class, “If five birds are sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on Little Johnny to answer. He replies, “There are none left—they all fly away with the first gunshot.” The teacher replies, “The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, “I have a question for YOU. Three women are sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?” The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.” To which Little Johnny replies, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”
One day Little Susie got her first period ever. Having failed to understand what was going on, and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny, she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny’s face grew serious and he said, “You know, I’m not a doctor but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!”
The science teacher stood in front of the class and said, “Children if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?” Little Stevie raised his hand and said, “I would want gold because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a BMW convertible.” The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie. Little Susie said, “I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche.” The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, “I would want silicone.” The teacher said, “Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?” “Because my mom has two bags of the stuff, and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!”
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