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| Dirty Jokes for Adults - Get Ready to Laugh! Adult Jokes - Raunchy, Crude, and Hilarious! |
Jokes for Adults - Not for the Faint of Heart!
Looking for jokes that are a little more mature? Our collection of jokes for adults will have you laughing out loud - if you can handle it!JOKES 1
A man was wandering around a carnival and he happened to see a fortuneteller’s tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. “Ah...” said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. “I see you are the father of two children.” “That’s what you think,” said the man scornfully. “I’m the father of THREE children.” The woman grinned and said, “That’s what YOU think!”JOKES 2
English Dirty Jokes | Jokes To Tell Your Friends 😂 Joke of the day
JOKES 3
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a costume party... Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there wearing only underwear. “What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host. “A premature ejaculation,” said the man. “I just came in my underpants!”JOKES 4
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, “Well, tonight’s the night we have sex!” And so they did. As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself: My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her! And the woman was thinking to herself: My God if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose!JOKES 5
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was
completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer
sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a
month.
A month later, the musician went to a porno theater to see it. With his collar
up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also
seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M, and even a dog.
After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only
here to listen to the music.”
“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”
JOKE 6
It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail
through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole
family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift
envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at
the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in
a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door,
and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most
passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she made him a full
breakfast with a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring the coffee, he noticed a $5 bill sticking out from under the
cup’s bottom edge. “All this is just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but
what’s the money for?”
“Well,” she said, “last night I told my husband that today would be your last
day and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give
you and he said, ‘Fuck him, give him a fiver.’”
The lady then said, “The breakfast was my idea.”
JOKES 7
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.
As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked
the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was
going through your mind?”
The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and
suck your tits dry.”
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”
He replied, “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”
JOKES 8
A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor.
The counselor asks the wife, “What is the problem?”
She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”
The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”
The husband replies, “Well not exactly; it’s her that suffers, not me.”
JOKES 9
It was a nice sunny day and three men were walking down a country road
when they saw a bush with a pig’s ass popping out.
The first man says, “I wish that was Demi Moore’s ass.”
The second man says, “I wish that was Pamela Anderson’s ass.”
Then the third man says, “I wish it was dark.”
JOKES 10
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to
a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.
The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you
can see my house up on that hill.”
The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing.
“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.
“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the man
replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he
hands two bullets to the man and says, “Here are two bullets. I’ll give you this
scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife’s head off and
shoot the guy’s dick off.”
The man takes another look through the scope and says, “You know what? I
think I can do that with one shot!”
JOKES 11
Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price,
but it’s missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear Vaseline over the
spot where the seal should be.
One day, his girlfriend asks him over for dinner to meet her parents. He drives
his new bike to her house, where she is outside waiting for him.
“No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don’t say a word.” She tells him,
“Our family had a fight a while ago about doing dishes. We haven’t done any
since, but the first person to speak at dinner has to do them.”
Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it. Dishes are piled
up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a word. So Steve decides to
have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her on the table, and has sex with
her in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom is horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. A few minutes later
he grabs her mom, throws her on the table, and does a repeat performance. Now
his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and her mother is a little happier.
But still, there is complete silence at the table. All of a sudden there is a loud
clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle. He jumps
up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and
screams, “OKAY, ENOUGH! I’LL DO THE DISHES.”
JOKES 12
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to
go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he
does, his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your
heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 436.”
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation.
When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back,
he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
She says, “Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them
up.”
After lunch, he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and
says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!”
She says again, “Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up.”
He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them
through the night. When he returns, he says again, “Honey, my hands are really,
really freezing!”
She looks at him and says, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get
cold?”
JOKES 13
A masked man goes into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the
counter, and says, “Open the safe.”
She says, “This isn’t a real bank; it’s a sperm bank.”
He says, “Open the safe or I’ll shoot.”
She opens the safe, and he says, “Now take one of the bottles and drink it.”
After she opens the bottle and drinks it, he takes off his mask and the woman
realizes the robber is her husband.
He says, “Now you see? It’s not so difficult, is it?”
JOKES 14
A guy and his manager go down to the docks. The manager is betting on every
dockworker he sees that his guy can make love to 100 women in a row, without
pausing, and satisfy them all.
Bets are made, and they agree that they’ll meet the next day. The next day,
100 women are lined up along the dock. The guy drops his pants and starts.
True to his word, he moves from one to the next, satisfying each one without
pausing: 1... 2.. 3.. on and on he goes 49.. 50... 51.. He slows down somewhat:
83.... 84.... 85.... but he is still moving from one to the next, and the women are
still satisfied: 97............ 98............. 99.............
...and before he can get to the last woman, he has a heart attack and dies.
The manager scratches his head in puzzlement and says, “I don’t understand
it! It went perfectly well at practice this morning!”
JOKES 15
A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon
married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she
remarried and this time had 5 more children.
Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking
him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and
multiply.”
In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you, Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, “Do you think he means her
first, second, or third husband?”
The other mourner then replied, “I think he means her legs.”
JOKES 16
Goldie was sitting on a beach in Florida, attempting to strike up a
conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
“Hello, sir,” she said. “Do you like movies?”
“Yes, I do,” he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?”
The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before
returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked. “Do you like pussycats?”
With that, the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as
she’d never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting
position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man thought for a moment and replied, “How did you know my name
was Katz?”
JOKES 17
A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was
a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly
there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and
asked, “What’s so funny, Tony?”
“Well, Miss, I just saw one of your garters.”
“Get out of my classroom,” she yelled, “I don’t want to see you for three
days.”
The teacher turned back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title
the assignment, she reached to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly, there
was an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turned and
asked, “What’s so funny, John?”
“Well, Miss, I just saw both of your garters.”
Again she yelled, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment was
more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”
Embarrassed and frustrated, she had dropped the chalk when she’d turned
around again. So she bent over to pick it up. This time there was a burst of
laughter from another male student. She quickly turned to see Nick leaving the
classroom.
“Where do you think you are going?” she asked.
“Well, Miss, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”
JOKES 18
After some great sex, she lies there stroking his prick.
He asks, “Do you want more sex?”
“No,” she replies, “I’m just admiring your cock... I really miss mine.”
JOKES 19
A man goes into a shop and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer
but there are no prices listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, “Five
dollars for both of them.”
“You’ve got to be joking!” the man says.
“No, that’s the price,” the salesman says. “Do you want to buy them or not?”
“Yeah, I’ll take them,” the man says. He continues to look around and sees a
car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, an amplifier, and speakers.
“How much?” he asks.
“Five dollars for the system, including installation,” the salesman says.
“Is it stolen?” the man asks incredulously.
“No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new. Do you want it or not?”
“Certainly,” the man says. He looks around some more. As the salesman is
ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, “Why are your prices so cheap?”
The salesman says, “Well, the owner of the shop is at my house right now
with my wife, and what he’s doing to her, I’m doing to his business!”
JOKES 20
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The
pilot comes on the intercom, “This is your captain. We’re on our final descent
into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy
your stay in Toronto.”
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his
conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, “Well, skipper,
what are you going to do in Toronto?”
“Well,” says the pilot, “first I’m going to check into the hotel and have a
dump, after which I’m going to take that new stewardess with the huge tits out
for dinner. And then, after dinner and a few drinks, I’ll take her back to my room
and have sex with her all night.”
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and
down the aisles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so
embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the
intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag, and down
she goes. The old lady leans over and says, “No need to hurry, dear. He’s got to
take a shit first.”
JOKES 21
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink.
While he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey
grabs some olives off of the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and
eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls,
sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it
whole!
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
The guy says, “No. What?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... WHOLE!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He eats everything in sight.
The little bastard. Sorry, I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink,
pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, and then leaves.
Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the
man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar,
grabs it, sticks it up its ass, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is
disgusted.
“Did you see what your monkey did?” he asks.
“No. What?” asks the guy.
“Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out, and ate it!” said
the bartender.
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the guy. “He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures things first!!”
JOKES 22
A paperboy is doing his monthly round of collecting money from customers.
One door is opened by a fairly sexy buxom woman who is wearing a transparent
lace negligee.
“Hi, Missus, I’ve come for the paper money. It’s $5 please,” says our boy,
with his hand held out.
“I’m afraid I’ve no money in the house,” the woman replies in a breathy
voice, “but if you come in I’m sure I can think of something...”
So our lad goes in and the woman throws herself back on the fireside rug,
pulling off the negligee, moaning, “You can have ME instead...”
The kid sighs, takes off his bag, and then produces a dick that wouldn’t look
out of place on a stud bull. The woman is agog. Our lad then produces a load of
big rubber rings from his bag, which he proceeds to stack around his giant knob.
“What are they for?” asks the woman.
“Oh, they’re just to make sure I don’t go all the way in when I fuck you,”
replies the boy.
“To hell with them!” implores the woman. “I’ll take all of you!”
Our lad replies... “Not for five fucking dollars you won’t!”
JOKES 23
In a train car, there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular-looking
blonde, and a frightfully awful-looking fat lady.
After several minutes the train happened to pass through a dark tunnel, and the
unmistakable sound of a slap was heard. When they left the tunnel the
Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.
The blonde thought—That French son-of-a-bitch wanted to touch me and
must have put his hand on the fat lady by mistake, who, in turn, must have
slapped his face.
The large lady thought—That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the
blonde and she smacked him.
The Frenchman thought—That fucking Englishman put his hand on the
blonde and she slapped me by mistake.
The Englishman thought—I hope there’s another tunnel soon so I can smack
that French twat again.
JOKES 24
A new farmer buys several sheep hoping to breed them. After several weeks
he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t
have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance,
only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells
him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the
grass when they are pregnant. The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought.
He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the sheep. So he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into
the woods, screws them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn’t take and loads them in
the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, screws each sheep twice for
good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed. The next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more
try, he tells himself and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the
woods. He spends all day sheep screwing, and upon returning home falls
exhausted into bed.
The next morning he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the
sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the
grass.
“No,” she says, “they’re all in the truck and one of them is beeping the horn.”
JOKES 25
God had just about finished creating the universe, but he had a couple of leftover things in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the
Garden of Eden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away
was the ability to pee standing up.
“It’s a very handy thing,” God told the couple, who he found hanging around
under an apple tree. “I was wondering if either one of you wanted that ability.”
Adam, excited by this idea, jumped up and begged, “Oh, give that to me! I’d
love to be able to do that! It seems the sort of thing a man should do. Oh please,
oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It would be so great! When I’m
working in the garden or naming the animals I could just let it rip. It’d be so
cool. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to. Let me stand and
pee, oh please...”
On and on he went like an excited little boy (who had to pee).
Eve just smiled and shook her head at the display. She told God that if Adam
really wanted it so badly, and it sure seemed to be the sort of thing that would
make him happy, she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given the
ability to pee standing up. And so it was. And it was...well…good.
“Fine,” God said, looking back into his bag of left-over gifts. “And what do
we have left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms...”
JOKES 26
Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in
search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in
and catches his folks in the act. Before Dad can even react, Little Johnny
exclaims, “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”
Daddy relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and
seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and Daddy
starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny
cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman
usually get bucked off!”
JOKES 27
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they
decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The
husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he would be at the
side of the building if she had any questions or problems.
A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the
way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband.
The husband told her to tell the client $100.
She went back and informed the client, at which he cried, “That is too much!”
He then asked, “How much for a hand job?”
She asked him to wait a minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
The husband said, “Ask for $40.”
The woman ran back and informed the client. He felt that this was an
agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear. Upon the removal
of his clothing, the woman noticed that the man was really well-hung. She asked
him once more to wait a moment, then ran around the corner again.
Her husband asked, “Now what?”
The wife replied, “Can I borrow $60?”
JOKES 28
Father, mother, and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are
seeing lots of animals. Eventually, they end up opposite the elephant house. The
boy looks at the elephant, sees its penis, points to it, and says, “Mommy, what is
that long thing?”
“His mother replies, “That, son, is the elephant’s trunk.”
“No, at the other end.”
“That, son, is the tail.”
“No, Mommy, the thing under the elephant.”
There’s a short embarrassed silence, after which she replies, “That’s nothing.”
The mother goes to buy some ice cream and the boy, not being satisfied with
her answer, asks his father the same question. “Daddy, what is that long thing?”
“That’s the trunk, son,” replies the father.
“No, at the other end.”
“Oh, that is the tail.”
“No, no, Daddy, the thing below,” says the son in desperation.
“That is the elephant’s penis. Why do you ask, son?”
“Well Mommy said it was nothing,” says the boy.
The father replies, “I tell you, I spoil that woman...”
JOKES 29
Georgie is walking down the street after a sex-change operation has
transformed him into a beautiful woman. An old friend sees him and says,
“Georgie, you look great...you’re beautiful!”
Georgie says, “Thanks...but holy Christ, did it hurt.”
His friend says, “When they cut open your chest and put in those implants?”
Georgie says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.”
His friend says, “When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?”
Georgie says, “No, that didn’t really hurt.”
His friend says, “Then what did hurt?”
Georgie says, “When the doctor drilled a fucking hole in my head and sucked
out half my brain.”
JOKES 30
A young couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife
came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party and
have a good time. Being the devoted husband he protested, but she argued and
said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed. She told him there was no
need for him to miss the fun. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as
it was still early she decided to go to the party. Because hubby did not know
what her costume was, she thought she would have some kicks watching her
husband see how he acted when she was not around. She joined the party and
soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor. He was dancing
with every nice chick he could, copping a feel here and taking a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new “action.”
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they
went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight she slipped out, went home, put the
costume away, and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
have for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked him what he had
done. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time
when you’re not there.”
Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the
party I met Pete, Bill and some other guys, so we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But I’ll tell you, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had one
hell of a time!”
A husband and wife are cooing over their newborn baby.
“Look at the size of his penis,” says the man. “It’s massive!”
“Yes, dear,” says the woman. “But at least he’s got your ears.”
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