Top 41 funny adult jokes | Chilli Jokes | Funny Adult Jokes - Hilarious Jokes for Adults (2023 update)

Discover a collection of hilarious adult jokes.

"Funny Adult Jokes - Hilarious Jokes for Adults," a collection of rib-tickling and side-splitting humor specifically tailored for a mature audience. With a blend of wit, clever wordplay, and a dash of naughtiness, this compilation promises to keep you laughing uncontrollably.

Top 41 funny adult jokes | Chilli Jokes | Funny Adult Jokes - Hilarious Jokes for Adults (2023 update)

30 Dirty Jokes for Adults - Get Ready to Laugh! | Adult Jokes - Raunchy, Crude, and Hilarious!

Within the pages of this book, you'll discover a treasure trove of jokes that will have you in stitches. From clever one-liners to playful anecdotes, each joke is designed to tickle your funny bone and unleash bursts of laughter. Be prepared to share these jokes with your friends and leave them in fits of hilarity.

This collection covers a wide range of topics, ensuring there's something for everyone. Whether it's lighthearted puns, clever wordplay, or risqué innuendos, these jokes are guaranteed to brighten up your day and add a touch of humor to your life. They are the perfect icebreakers for social gatherings or a guaranteed way to bring a smile to your face during a dull moment.

While these jokes are intended for adult readers, they are crafted with a lighthearted and non-offensive approach. The goal is to create laughter and amusement, steering clear of any content that may cause discomfort or offense. The jokes are meant to be enjoyed in good humor and to create a joyful and entertaining atmosphere.

"Funny Adult Jokes - Hilarious Jokes for Adults" serves as a reminder that humor knows no age limits. It's a delightful collection that allows adults to indulge in the light-hearted side of life and find solace in laughter. Whether you're seeking a break from the stresses of daily life or simply enjoying a good laugh, this book is your ticket to endless amusement.

So sit back, relax, and prepare yourself for an unforgettable journey through the hilarious realm of adult humor. Get ready to laugh out loud and discover a newfound appreciation for the power of a well-crafted joke. "Funny Adult Jokes - Hilarious Jokes for Adults" is your ultimate companion for endless laughs and unforgettable moments of mirth.

Top 80 funny adult jokes

Jokes 1

Two shepherds are out rounding up sheep when all of a sudden a ewe takes off and goes wild, runs into a fence, and gets her head stuck. The two shepherds run over to the fence to get her out when one says to the other, “Hey, man, this is too good an opportunity to pass up.” So he unzips his fly, yanks out his cock, and fucks this ewe for about ten minutes. When he’s finally finished he looks back at his friend and says, “That was fantastic. Wanna try it?” “I sure do!” grins his friend, as he drops his pants and sticks his head through the fence.

Jokes 2

A couple gets married. Forty years later, they’re in the same hotel room they spent their honeymoon in. She takes off her clothes, lies down on the bed, spreads her legs ... and he starts to cry. She says, “What’s the matter?” He says, “Forty years ago, I couldn’t wait to eat it, and now it looks like it can’t wait to eat ME!”

Jokes 3

A woman walked into the ladies’ room and saw a man standing up using the toilet. Shocked, she exclaimed, “This is just for women!” “So is this,” he replied.

Jokes 4

Five men were sitting around the table at a restaurant bragging who had the largest dick. Finally, one guy said, “I’ll settle this; let’s all put our dicks on the table; that will decide it.” At about that time, two gay guys walked in and were seated. The waiter asked them if they’d like to see a menu. The gay guy responded, “OH!!! NO, NO, we’ll just have the buffet.”

Jokes 5

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks into his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?” The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I’ll go home.”

jokes 6

A husband tries his luck with his wife but she says, “Sorry, darling, but I have an appointment tomorrow with my gynecologist and I want to stay fresh.” The husband rolls over and thinks about this for a while, then whispers, “Do you have a dentist’s appointment tomorrow?”

Jokes 7

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf and Dumb Society. All are intent on making an impression on their audience. The Englishman goes first, and to the surprise of his colleagues, starts by rubbing first his chest, and then his groin. When he finishes, the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. “Well,” he explained, “by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus ladies, and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus gentlemen. So my speech started: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen.’” On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll one-up that English bastard! He started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished, his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well,” he explained, “by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying, ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.’” On his way up to the podium, the Irishman thought to himself, I’ll go even further than those bastards! He started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished, his colleagues asked him what he was doing. “Well,” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin, and then masturbating, I was starting my speech by saying, ‘Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...’”

Jokes 8

 

A married couple was lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep, and the husband put his bedside lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife, and started fondling her butt. He did this for only a very short while, then he would stop and resume reading his book. The wife eventually became aroused by this and thought that her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before going any further. She got up and started dancing naked in front of him. The husband was confused and asked, “What are you doing?” The wife replied, “You were playing with my butt and I thought it was foreplay to initiate making love with you tonight.” The husband said, “No, not at all.” The wife then asked, “Well, what the hell were you doing then?” “I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.”

Jokes 9

Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when Sam says to Becky, “Becky, I was wondering if you’ve ever cheated on me?” Becky replies, “Oh, Sam, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question...” “Yes, Becky, I really want to know. Please...” “Well, all right, three times...” “Three, hmmm. When were they?” “Well, Sam, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start that business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember, one day the bank manager himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked...” “Oh, Becky, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me. So when was number two?” “Well, Sam, remember when you had that last heart attack and you needed that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Then remember how Dr. Morris came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again...” “I can’t believe it, Becky, that you would do such a thing for me, to save my life... I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife... All right then, when was the third time?” “Well, Sam, remember a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the fishing club and you were 97 votes short...”

Jokes 10

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, “What are you doing?” She answers, “I’m moving to New York. I heard prostitutes there get paid $100 for doing what I do for you for free!” Later that night, while on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he’s going, he replies, “I’m going to New York, too. I want to see you live on $200 a year!”

Jokes 11

A recently deceased man stands at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells him that he cannot go to heaven right away because he cheated on his income taxes. The only way he might get into heaven would be to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. He decides that this is a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he goes with this woman, pretending to be happy. As he walks along, he sees his friend up ahead with an even uglier woman. When he asks what’s going on, the friend replies, “I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money.” They both shake their heads in understanding and figure that they might as well hang out together to help pass the time. Now the two friends and their two ugly women are walking along minding their own business when they see someone who looks like their old friend. This man is with an absolutely gorgeous supermodel. Stunned, they approach the man and discover that it is indeed their friend. They ask him how come he’s with this unbelievable goddess, while they’re stuck with these god-awful women. He replies, “I have no idea, but I’m definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time imaginable, and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can’t seem to understand. Every time we finish having sex, she rolls over and murmurs to herself, ‘Damn income taxes!’”

Jokes 12

A man walks into a public bathroom and begins using one of the urinals. He looks to his left and sees a very short man also peeing. Suddenly, the short man looks up at the taller man, and the taller man is completely embarrassed about staring at the smaller man’s penis. “Sorry,” says the taller man. “I’m not gay or anything, but you have the longest penis I’ve ever seen, especially on a man so small!” “Well,” says the little man, “that’s because I’m a Leprechaun! All Leprechauns have penises this size!” The taller man says, “Incredible! I’d give anything for mine to be that long.” “Well, what with me being a Leprechaun and all, I can give you your wish! If you let me take you into that stall over there and screw you, I’ll give you your wish!” “Gee,” says the man, “I don’t know about that. Oh, to hell with it. OK!” Soon, the Leprechaun is behind the taller man, humping away. “Say,” says the Leprechaun, “how old are you, son?” Finding it difficult to turn with the Leprechaun humping him so ferociously, the tall man says over his shoulder, “Uh-uh, thirty-two...” “Imagine that,” says the little man, “thirty-two and he still believes in Leprechauns!”

Jokes 13

One rainy night a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door. Checking his rearview mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping-wet naked woman sitting in the back seat. “Where to?” he stammered. “Central Station,” answered the woman. “OK,” he said, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman caught him staring at her and asked, “Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?” “Well, ma’am, I noticed that you’re completely naked, and I was just wondering how you’ll pay your fare.” The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver, and said, “Does THIS answer your question?” Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, “Got anything smaller?”

Jokes 14

 

A boy comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he’s got a big smile on his face. She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?” “Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!” The mother is stunned. “You’re going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.” Well, when Dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.” “That’s right, Dad.” “Well, you became a man today—this is cause for celebration. Let’s head out for some ice cream, and then I’ll buy that new bike you’ve been asking for.” “That sounds great, Dad, but can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”

Jokes 15

Joe rented an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name in his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Joe broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, “Let’s go to my apartment. I hear someone coming.” He followed her into her flat. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off. Now completely naked, she purred at him, “What would you say is my best feature?” Flustered and embarrassed, Joe finally squeaked, “It’s got to be your ears!” Astounded and a little hurt she asked, “My ears? Look at these breasts—they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin—no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel that the best part of my body is my ears?!” Clearing his throat, Joe stammered, “Outside, when you said you heard someone coming?” “Yes.” “Well, that was me.”

Jokes 16

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. “Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?” “Yes, they help me sleep at night.” “Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!” She reached out and patted the young doctor’s knee. “Yes, I know that. But every morning I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 18- year-old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night.”

English Dirty Jokes | Jokes To Tell Your Friends 😂 Joke of the day

Jokes 17

Larry is 95 and lives in an old folks’ home. Every night after dinner, Larry goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Florence, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and, before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Larry turns to Florence and asks, “Do you know what I miss most of all?” She asks, “What?” “SEX!!!” Florence exclaims, “Why, you old fart, you couldn’t get it up if I paid you!” “I know,” Larry says, “but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while.” “Well, I can oblige,” says Florence, who gently unzips his pants, removes his manhood, and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they will sit and talk and Florence will hold Larry’s manhood. Then, one night, Larry didn’t show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Florence decided to find Larry and make sure that he was OK. She walked around the gardens and she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident holding his manhood! Furious, Florence yelled, “You two-timing old creep! What does she have that I don’t have?” Larry smiled happily and replied, “Parkinson’s disease!!” A kid comes home from school and says, “Mom, I’ve got a problem.” She says, “Tell me.” He tells her that the boys at school are using two words he doesn’t understand. She asks him what they are. He says, “Well, pussy and bitch.” She says, “Oh, that’s no big deal. Pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog like our Sandy.” He thanks her and goes to visit Dad in the workshop in the basement. He says to his dad, “Dad, the boys at school are using words I don’t know, and I asked mom and I don’t think she told me their exact meaning.” Dad says, “Son, I told you never to go to Mom with these matters; she can’t handle them. What are the words?” He tells him, “Pussy and bitch.” Dad says, “OK,” and pulls a Playboy down from the shelf. He takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the centerfold and says, “Son, everything inside this circle is pussy.” “OK, Dad, so what’s a bitch?” “Son,” he says, “everything outside that circle.”

Jokes 18

Mario and Marie, a nice young couple, were getting married and were planning on living with Marie’s mother until they could establish a place of their own. On their wedding night, they went upstairs and were getting ready for bed. Mario started to get undressed, taking off his shirt first. He had hair all over his chest. Marie ran downstairs and told her mother. “Mommy!! Mommy!! He’s got hair all over his chest!” Her mother replied, “Marie, you go upstairs and make your mother proud.” So Marie ran upstairs and found Mario taking off his pants. He was extremely hairy all over his legs. Marie ran down the steps to tell her mother. “Mommy, he’s got hair all over his legs.” “Marie, you go upstairs and make your mother proud.” Marie ran upstairs and found her new husband sitting on the bed taking off his socks. Unfortunately, he had lost half of his foot in the war. Marie took one look and ran downstairs. “Mommy, Mommy! He’s only got a foot and a half!” At this, her mother yelled, “Marie, you wait here. I’m going to go upstairs!”

Jokes 19

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in. “Mom, where do babies come from?” “Well, dear, a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, they go into their room and they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby.” “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had Daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, dear.”

Jokes 20

 A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk and the man on the lower. In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.” The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea. Let’s pretend we’re married.” “Why not,” giggles the woman. “Right,” he replies. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

Jokes 21

A nun gets into a cab in New York. She demurely says in a small, high voice, “Could you please take me to Times Square?” In a thick Brooklyn accent the cab driver initiates conversation, “Hey, sista, that’s kinda a long drive. You mind if we, like, chat?” The nun says, “Why no, my son, whatever is on your mind?” The cab driver says, “About dis celibacy thing. Are you telling me you never think about doin’ it?” The nun replies, “Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time or two. I am of weak human flesh, you understand.” The driver says, “Well, would ya ever consider, you know, doin’ it?” The nun replies, “Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique circumstance, I might consider it.” The cab driver says, “Well what would those conditions happen to be?” The nun replies, “Well, he’d have to be Catholic, unmarried, and could certainly have no children.” The cab driver says, “Well, sista, today is your lucky day. I am all three. Why don’t youse come on up here...I won’t even make you really break your vows. All you gotta do is go down on me.” The nun looks around: They are awfully far away from where anyone would recognize her. At the next light, she gets into the front with the driver. By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and the cab driver is smiling from ear to ear. As she settles in, the nun hears the cab driver begin to laugh. The nun inquires, “Why, my son, what is so humorous?” The cab driver sneers, “Sista, I got ya. I’m Protestant, I’m married, and I’ve got four kids.” And from the back of the cab comes the nun’s low-voiced response, “Yeah, well my name’s Dave and I’m on my way to a costume party.”

 Jokes 22

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse who loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into some quicksand and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help. Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Z-3 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life. Back in the quicksand, the horse was surprised but happy to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon he too began to sink, crying out to the horse to save his life. The horse thought a moment, then walked over and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his “thing” and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? When you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Jokes 23

A guy was shipwrecked and ended up on an island. After wandering around for a few hours he was captured by the local tribe of cannibals and taken back to the village. After a good meal and a rest, he was taken before the king and told that, as it was the king’s birthday, he would get a chance to live, but only if he passed three tests in three huts. The first had a keg of rum inside: He had to drink the keg dry. The second had a tiger with a sore tooth: He had to remove it. The third had a woman who had never been satisfied: He had to satisfy her. With confidence, he strode into the first, and about an hour later stumbled out plastered. “Get me to the next hut!” he yelled. In the second hut, all was quiet, and then roars and screams were heard. This was followed by sudden quiet again. As he stumbled out of the hut he roared, “OK, goddammit, now where’s that woman with the sore tooth?”

Jokes 24

A man returns from the tropics feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, who immediately rushes the man to the hospital to undergo tests. After the tests are completed, the man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in his private room at the hospital. On the other end of the line, the doctor explains, “We’ve received the results back from your tests. We’ve found that you have an extremely nasty STD called G.A.S.H., which is a combination of gonorrhea, AIDS, syphilis, and herpes.” “Oh my god,” cries the man. “Doc! What am I going to do?” “Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.” “Will that cure me?” asks the man curiously. “Well no, but it’s the only food we can get under the door.”

Jokes 25

A Priest went to the doctor in a panic and asked him, “What does it mean, Doc, if when I take a pee it burns like the fire of Satan and I have this god-awful drip?” The doctor smiled and said, “It means the altar boy lied—he wasn’t a virgin.”

Jokes 26

A bum finds a five-dollar bill in the street. He decides to go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of white wine. After knocking back the booze the bum falls into a drunken stupor and collapses in a small alleyway. About ten minutes later, a passing gay guy happens upon the sprawled body of the bum. Not having greased the pole for a while, the queer whips down the bum’s pants and gives him one up the butt. As the rear gunner is just about to leave he gets a pang of conscience and tucks five bucks into the tramp’s hand. Upon waking up the next day, the bum discovers the fiver. Hardly believing his good fortune, he rushes back to the liquor store and purchases another bottle of white wine. Yet again he downs the vino and falls into a drunken sleep in his favorite alleyway. A little later the same butt pirate passes the alleyway and sees the bum. Unable to contain himself, the butt plugger divests the tramp of his shorts and gives him another ass stretching. Again he leaves five bucks out of guilt for his actions. Upon waking up the bum discovers another fiver in his hand and so hurries back to the liquor store. He grabs a bottle of red wine and hands it to the sales assistant. The sales assistant, by now familiar with the bum’s usual habits, asks why he is buying red wine this time, to which the bum responds, “I like the white wine but it just makes my ass so fucking sore.”

Jokes 27

A woman gives birth to a baby and afterward, the doctor comes in and says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.” The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong?” The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. Your baby is a hermaphrodite.” The woman says, “A hermaphrodite. What’s that?” The doctor says, “Well, it means your baby has the...er... features... of a male and a female.” The woman turns pale. She says, “Oh my god! You mean it has a penis... AND a brain?”

Jokes 28

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.” The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.” The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?” She frowned and said, “The postman.” “Why the postman?” “Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong slot.”

Jokes 29

A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious type with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he thought he’d buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, when he started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. “Well, I don’t really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don’t know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except...” and he stopped. “Except what?” the man asked. “Nothing, nothing.” “C’mon, tell me! I need something!” “Well, sir, I don’t usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis.” “So what’s up with this Voodoo Penis?” he asked. The old man reached under the counter and pulled out a very old wooden box carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed and said, “Big deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!” The old man replied, “But you haven’t seen what it’ll do yet.” He pointed to a door and said, “Voodoo Penis, the door.” The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, shot over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form. Before the door split, the old man said, “Voodoo Penis, return to box!” The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box, and lay there quietly once more. “I’ll take it!” said the businessman. The old man resisted, saying it wasn’t for sale, but finally surrendered to $500. The guy took it home to his wife, and told her it was a special dildo and that to use it all she had to do was say “Voodoo Penis, my crotch.” He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone. After he’d been gone a few days, his wife was getting unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the Voodoo Penis. She stripped off, opened the box, and said, “Voodoo Penis, my crotch!” The Voodoo Penis shot into her and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she’d ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough. She tried to pull it out but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out but nothing worked. Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car, and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A traffic policeman saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license and then asked how much she’d had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, “I haven’t had anything to drink, officer. You see, I’ve got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me!” The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head, and said, “Voodoo Penis? Voodoo Penis, my ass...”

Jokes 30

Little Johnny woke up in the middle of the night and went to the bathroom. On the way back to bed, he passed his parents’ room. When he looked in, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his dad, “Hey, Dad, what are you doing?” The dad answered, “Playing Cards.” Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?” The dad answered, “Your mom.” Little Johnny then passed by his older sister’s room. Again, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his sister, “Hey, Sis, what are you doing?” The sister answered, “Playing Cards.” Little Johnny asked, “Who’s your partner?” She answered, “My boyfriend.” A little later, Dad got up and went to the bathroom. As he passed Little Johnny’s room, he noticed the covers bouncing. He called to his son, “What are you doing?” Little Johnny answered, “Playing Cards.” Dad asked, “Really? Who’s your partner?” Little Johnny answered, “You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand!”

Jokes 31

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman’s face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny. The husband then donated some of his skin. However, the only place suitable for the doctor was his buttocks. The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very delicate matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friends and relatives just raved about her youthful beauty! She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him for what he had done. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could ever repay you!” He replied, “Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty of thanks every time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!”

Jokes 32

A guy takes his wife to the Doctor. The Doc says, “Well, it’s either Alzheimer’s disease or AIDS.” “What do you mean?” the guy says. “You can’t tell the difference?” “Yeah, the two look a lot alike in the early stages. Tell you what, drive her way out into the country, kick her out of the car, and if she finds her way back, don’t fuck her.”

Jokes 33

A penguin takes his car to a mechanic because there is a funny noise coming from under the hood. “Leave it with me,” says the mechanic. “Come back in 20 minutes.” So, off goes the penguin. It’s a pretty hot day and he’s a cool weather kind of guy so on spotting an ice cream van he goes and buys himself a 99. Now, penguins aren’t very good at eating ice creams—the lack of opposable thumbs makes it tricky. So by the time the penguin has finished his 99, he is completely covered in ice cream. It is all over his beak and all over his flippers. Feeling a little sticky, he goes back to the garage. “Oh, hello,” says the mechanic, wiping his hands on a cloth. “Hello,” replies the penguin. “Was it anything serious?” “Not really, but it looks like you’ve blown a seal.” “Oh no, no, no!” says the penguin, wiping his mouth. “It’s just ice cream.”

Jokes 34

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he passes his parents’ bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway muttering to himself, “And she gets mad at me for sucking my thumb.”

Jokes 35

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” replies Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!”

Jokes 36

 

A man wakes up one morning with the worst hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table. He looks around the room to find his clothes neatly folded on the dresser with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note that says, “Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.” Downstairs, he finds his favorite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ, and freshly brewed coffee waiting for him, along with the morning paper and his 15-year-old son who is finishing his own breakfast. “Tell me, son,” he asks, “what happened last night?”’ “Well,” says the boy, “you came home so drunk you didn’t even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when mom tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.” “Christ!” says the man. “Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?” “When mom dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your pants off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, ‘Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I’m married!’”

Jokes 37

 

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes. “What happened to you?” asked his wife. “I’ll never understand women,” he replied. “I was riding up an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her ass. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!” “I can certainly appreciate that,” said the wife. “But how did you get the second black eye?” “Well, I figured she liked it that way,” said the husband, “so I pushed it back in.”

Jokes 38

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, sleeveless pink spring dress with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband notices his excitement and suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down. “Now try lifting your dress up your thighs,” the husband says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy. Suddenly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla, and says, “Now, tell HIM you have a headache.”

Jokes 39

A young couple is on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl says to the guy that she has a confession to make: The reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it’s okay with her. The guy thinks about it for a while and says he does not mind that she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. Several miles down the road, the guy turns to the girl and says that he also wants to make a confession: He says that below his waist he is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it’s okay with him. The girl thinks about it for a while and says that she does not mind and that she also believes there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They are happy that they are honest with each other and go on to Vegas and get married. On their wedding night, the girl takes off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy takes off his clothes. One glance at the guy’s naked body and the girl faints and falls to the floor. After she regains consciousness the guy says, “I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?” The girl says, “You told me it was just like a baby.” The guy replies, “Yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches.

Jokes 40

A couple was having trouble conceiving a child, so they went to a doctor. He examined them and concluded that the problem was one of insufficient penetration. He suggested to the man that they try the rear-entry position. The man said, “What is that?” The doctor replied, “Just watch the dogs and do like they do.” The man said, “My wife is very shy and she won’t do that.” The doctor replied, “Try giving her a glass of wine or two and she will lose all inhibition.” Some while later, the doctor met the man, pushing a stroller. “I see it worked!” the doctor said. “Yes it did, Doc, but now the problem is my wife is an alcoholic!” “How did that happen?” the doctor asked. “Well, every time we did it, it took seven or eight drinks just to get her out into the front garden!”

Jokes 41

A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented and they were married, and they went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board, and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by three rotations in the jack-knife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, “That was incredible!” He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about ourselves as we went along.” So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the ripples from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end of the pool. After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing hard. He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?” “No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.”