Indulge in explicit and funny adult humor with our collection of long dirty jokes. Get ready for a good laugh with these risqué and entertaining jokes.
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| #TOP40 Black jokes - Hilarious and Naughty Humor | Long Dirty black Jokes |
Long Adult Dirty Black Jokes - Hilarious and Naughty Humor
Long adult dirty jokes provide a brand of humor that is designed for mature audiences seeking a combination of hilarity and naughty amusement. These jokes, often in the form of extended narratives, explore explicit and sexually suggestive content, pushing the boundaries of societal norms and challenging taboos. They are intended to evoke laughter through their risqué nature and cater to those with a more open and adventurous sense of humor.
The distinguishing feature of long adult dirty jokes is their ability to weave intricate setups, unexpected twists, and punchlines that leave listeners in fits of laughter. These jokes take the audience on a comical journey, filled with explicit language, sexual innuendos, and sometimes vulgar descriptions. They require patience and attentiveness as they gradually build momentum before delivering the comedic payoff.
In addition to their explicit content, long adult dirty jokes often employ wordplay, puns, and double entendres to enhance the humor. These linguistic devices create clever connections between words and phrases, exploiting multiple meanings and creating humorous associations. The interplay of language adds an intellectual element to the humor, engaging the audience's wit and contributing to the overall amusement.
It is important to note that the enjoyment of long adult dirty jokes is subjective and depends on personal preferences and cultural backgrounds. While some individuals find them uproarious and liberating, others may find them offensive or inappropriate. It is crucial to share such humor in appropriate settings and with consenting audiences who are receptive to this form of entertainment.
In summary, long adult dirty jokes offer a brand of hilarious and naughty humor, catering to mature audiences seeking explicit and sexually suggestive content. Their ability to weave intricate setups, unexpected twists, and clever wordplay adds depth and complexity to the humor. However, it is essential to consider individual sensitivities and share such jokes in appropriate settings, respecting the boundaries and preferences of others.
Black Jokes 1
A man calls in to work and says, “Sorry, I can’t come in today, I’m sick.”
The boss says, “How sick are you?”
“Well,” the man replies, “you judge—I’m in bed with my sister.”
On their way to get married, a couple gets into a fatal car accident. They are
sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to turn up and register them.
While they’re waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven.
St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.
St. Peter says, “I don’t know, this is the first time anyone’s ever asked. Let me
go and find out,” and he leaves.
The couple sits around for a couple of months and begins to wonder if they
really should get married in heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
What if it doesn’t work out, they wonder. Are we stuck together forever?
St. Peter returns after another month looking somewhat worn out. “Yes,” he
informs the couple, “you can get married in heaven.”
“Great,” says the couple, “but what if things don’t work out? Could we also
get a divorce in heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
“What’s wrong?” exclaims the frightened couple.
“Christ!” St. Peter exclaims. “It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take me to find a lawyer?”
Black Jokes Jokes 2
Bob goes into the public bathroom and sees this guy standing next to the
urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob’s standing there, taking care of business, he
wonders to himself how the poor guy is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being
a kind soul, Bob says, “Errr, OK, I’ll help you.”
The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?”
Bob says, “OK.”
Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?”
Bob replies, “Uh, yeah, OK.”
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold, red rashes, and scabs all over it,
and it smells dreadful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, which Bob
does. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in, and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, “Thanks, I really appreciate it.”
Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell’s wrong with your prick?”
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, “I don’t know, but I’m not
touching it.”
Black Jokes 3
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden,
he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his
head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be
faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Please, Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
anytime I wish.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom
of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of
another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, “Lord, I wish that I
could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are
thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean
when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
The Lord said, “Do you want two or four lanes on that bridge?”
Black Jokes 4
A man, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found
themselves stranded on an island.
After being there a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every
evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with
beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze warm and gentle—a perfect night for
romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the man. Soon,
he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous,
growling fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that,
the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more
cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man
had ever seen. She was badly injured when they rescued her, and they slowly
nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they
introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening: red
sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze—perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon the man started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as
long as he could, but he finally gave in, leaned over to the young woman, and
cautiously whispered in her ear, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”
Black Jokes 5
An old couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the
breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, “Just think,
we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied. “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this
breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said, “but we were probably sitting here stark naked
fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered, “what do you say, should we strip?”
So the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know, honey,” the little old lady said, “my nipples are as hot for you
today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the
other is in your porridge.”
Black Jokes 6
Tony had been feeling guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to
forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of shame was overwhelming.
But every once in a while, he’d hear that soothing voice trying to reassure him:
“Tony, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first surgeon to sleep with one of
your patients and you won’t be the last. And, you’re single. So just let it go.”
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: “Tony, you’re
a veterinary surgeon...”
Black Jokes 7
A cowboy is walking in the woods one day when he comes to a clearing.
There on a blanket is a naked Indian with a hard-on.
“What are you doing?” the cowboy asks.
The Indian answers, “I tell time.”
“OK. If you are so good, what time is it?”
The Indian looks down at his prick and the shadow its casting and says, “It’s
2 o’clock.”
The cowboy looks at his watch and says, “By golly, you are right!”
The cowboy starts walking again and comes upon another naked Indian lying
on a blanket. “Don’t tell me... You’re telling time too?”
The Indian looks up at him and says, “Yes, me telling time.”
“Okay, smart ass, what time is it?”
The Indian looks up at the sun, then down, and says, “It’s 4 o’clock.”
The cowboy is amazed at the Indian. He keeps walking and hours later he
comes upon an Indian on a blanket, masturbating. “Don’t tell me you’re telling
time!”
The Indian looks up at him and says, “No, me winding watch!”
Black Jokes 8
Two men were having lunch at their favorite restaurant when they noticed a
young woman at the next table having trouble breathing.
One of the men got up, walked over to her table, took her face in his hands, and said, “Can you swallow?”
She shook her head. “No.”
“Can you breathe?”
Again she shakes her head. “No.”
The man grabs her around the waist with one of his hands, turns her over,
pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties, and licks her ass! Of course, the young
woman was so shocked that she coughed causing the food to dislodge. The man
pulls up her panties, pulls down her skirt, turns her right side up, and returns to
his seat.
His companion is sitting there stunned. “I have never seen anything like that
in my whole life!” he says to his friend.
“Well, I’ll tell you, that hind lick maneuver works every time!”
Black Jokes 9
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost
the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his
round-trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So
he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.
He got in and explained his situation to the cab driver. He promised to send
the driver money from home; he offered him his credit card numbers, his
driver’s license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.
The cab driver said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my
cab!”
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in
time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his
financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty
good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back
to the airport. Well, who should he see out there at the end of a long line of cabs
but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his
luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay
for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab
in the line,
“How much for a ride to the airport?” he asked.
“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.
“And how much for you to give me head on the way?”
“What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the
same questions, with the same results.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked,
“How much for a ride to the airport?”
The cab driver replied, “Fifteen bucks.”
The businessman said, “OK,” and off they went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a
big smile and thumbs-up sign to each of the other cab drivers.
Black Jokes 10
A man is standing at the urinal in a public bathroom quietly going about his
business when the door flies open and a big black guy runs in, whips out his dick, and, letting out a sigh of relief, stands next to him. The black guy smiles at him
and says “Just made it!!”
The first man takes a look at the black man’s dick and says, “Shit! Could you
make me one like that?
Black Jokes 11
A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her
hand, “Mommy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!” she wailed.
“Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked her mom.
“I cut my hand on a thorn and I want the pain to go away!”
Confused but weary of the child’s whining, the mother obliged and poured her
a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand in it.
“Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn’t work!” she whined.
“What are you talking about?” asked Mom. “What ever made you think that
cider would ease the pain?”
“Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her
hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider.”
Black Jokes 12
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a
man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench
coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
stub.”
Black Jokes 13
One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to the kitchen for
breakfast. Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told him he was not going to
get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fed the animals.
Irritated at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn. As he fed
the chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow bent down to start in on
the fresh hay he had just put in the stall, he kicked it in the head. He poured food
into the trough for the pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked them in the
head. He went back to the kitchen and sat down again.
His mother was furious. “I saw what you did and as you kicked the chickens
you’ll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kicked the cow, you’ll get no
milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kicked the pigs.”
Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly tripped on the family cat.
On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs. The boy looked at his mother and
asked, “Are you going to tell him or should I?”
Black Jokes 14
A salesman is going door to door. At one house, a snotty little brat answers
the door.
“Tell you what,” he says to the salesman, “I can persuade my parents to buy
pretty much anything. If you can do everything I can do, I’ll talk them into
buying something. If you lose, then you give $10.”
Figuring that there’s no way a nine-year-old brat could outsmart him, the
salesman agrees to the deal. Immediately, the kid climbs up the drainpipe and
hops onto the flat roof. The salesman does exactly the same.
The kid then runs across the roof, does a triple cartwheel, and lands in the back
garden, with the salesman following suit.
Then the kid runs to where his teenage sister is sunbathing topless. He rushes
over to her and kisses her on the left breast. Not to be outdone, the salesman
leaps over and does the same.
The kid then gropes both his sister’s tits. So does the salesman. Then the kid
pulls down her bikini bottoms and licks her pussy, the salesman does likewise.
Then the brat pulls out his dick, wraps it around his little finger, and says,
“Where’s my $10?”
Black Jokes 15
A 75-year-old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The
doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a
sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 75-year-old man reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave
him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what had happened and the man explained: “Well, Doc, it’s
like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing happened. Then I tried with
my left hand, but still got nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, but nothing happened, then she tried with her left, but still, nothing happened. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then
with the teeth out, and still nothing happened. We even called up the lady next
door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but there was nothing
doing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your neighbor?”
The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn’t get the
stupid jar open!”
Black Jokes 16
Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in
an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight
Watchers, and many more. None worked. Then, one day, he was reading the
Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read: Lose weight. Only $5.00
a pound. Call (202) 555-0238.
The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other
end asked, “How much weight do you want to lose?”
The man responded, “Ten pounds.”
The voice replied, “Very well, give me your credit card number and we’ll
have a representative over to your house in the morning.”
At about 9:00 a.m. the next morning the man got a knock on the door. There
stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck
stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.”
Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the
kitchen, and all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did
catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, “Quick, go into the
bathroom and weigh yourself.”
He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to
the ounce!
That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked,
“How much weight do you want to lose?”
The somewhat-less-overweight man replied, “Twenty pounds.”
“Very well,” the voice on the phone told him. “Give me your credit card
number and we’ll have a representative over to your house in the morning.”
At about 8:00 a.m. the next morning, the man receives a knock on the door.
When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes
and a sign around her neck stating, “If you catch me, you can have me.” The
chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he
finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, “Quick, run into the
bathroom and weigh yourself.” He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost
another 20 pounds!
This is fantastic! he thought to himself. Later that evening he called the
number again and the voice at the other end asked, “How much weight do you
want to lose?”
“Fifty pounds!” the man exclaimed.
“Fifty pounds?” the voice asked. “That’s an awful lot of weight to lose at one
time.”
The man replied, “Listen, here’s my credit card number. You just have your
representative over here in the morning!” and he hung up the phone. At about 6:00 a.m. the next morning the man got out of bed, splashed on some
cologne, and got ready for the next representative.
At about 7:00 a.m. he heard a knock on the door. When he opened the door,
he saw this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating: “If I can catch you, I
can have you!”
Black Jokes 18
An old man was on the beach and he walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini.
“I want to feel your breasts,” he said.
“Get away from me, you dirty old man,” she replied.
“I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $5,” he said.
“$5!! Get away from me!”
“I want to feel your breasts. I will give you $10,” he said.
“NO! Get away from me!”
“$50,” he said.
She paused to think about it, but then came to her senses and said, “I said
NO!”
“$100 if you let me feel your breasts,” he said.
She thought, well he is old, and $100 would be very handy. “Well, OK, but
only for a minute,” she said.
She loosened her bikini top and while they were both standing there on the
beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel...and then he started
saying, “OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD,” while he was caressing them.
So, out of curiosity, she asked him, “Why do you keep saying ‘Oh my god?’”
While continuing to fondle her tits he answered, “OH MY GOD... OH MY
GOD... Where am I ever going to get $100?”
Adult Black Jokes 19
A week after arriving back home from Mongolia, a guy wakes one morning to
find his dick covered with bright green and purple bumps. Horrified, he
immediately goes to see a doctor.
The doctor, never having seen anything like it, orders some tests and tells the
man to return in two days.
The man returns in a couple of days and the doctor says: “I’ve got bad news
for you. You’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of
here. We know very little about it.”
The man looks a little perplexed and says: “Well, give me a shot or something
and fix me up, Doc.”
The doctor answers: “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure. We’re going to have
to amputate your penis.”
The man screams in horror, “Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.”
The doctor replies: “Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery
is your only choice.”
The next day the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know
more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:
“Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly rare disease.”
The guy says to the doctor: “Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can
you do? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis.”
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: “Stupid Engrish doctor,
always wants to operate. Make more money, that way. No need to operate!”
“Oh, thank goodness!” the man replies.
“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor. “You no worry! Wait two weeks, fall off by
itself... You save money.”
Black Jokes 20
The whales were fed up with ships crossing their feeding grounds, migration
paths, and breeding areas, not to mention years of being hunted and killed, so
they got together to decide what to do. Discussion continued until a plan of
attack was proposed by their leader.
“What we will do, is gather in two groups, one behind the other. The first
group will swim under each ship and blow together. This will create a huge
bubble of air under the ship, which will capsize it, dropping the sailors into the
water. The following group of whales will then gobble them up.”
After the cheering died down, one whale, towards the outside of the meeting
slapped his tail on the water for attention.
The leader said, “Yes, Mervin? Do you have something to say?”
Mervin replied, “Well, I can go along with the blow job, but I won’t swallow
any seamen.”
A man is having marital problems. He and his wife are not communicating at
all and he’s lonely, so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store
he happens into specializes in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots
he notices one with no feet. Surprised, he mutters, “I wonder how he hangs onto
the perch?”
The parrot says, “With my penis, you dummy.”
The man is startled and says, “You certainly talk well for a parrot.”
The parrot says, “Of course, I’m a very well-educated parrot. I can discuss
politics, sports, religion, almost any subject you wish.”
The man says, “You sound like just what I am looking for.”
The parrot says, “There’s not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you
offer the proprietor $20 for me I bet he’ll sell.”
The man buys the parrot and for three months things go very well. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him about the latest sports results and
what happened in politics that day.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him
and says, “Come in and shut the door.”
The man says, “What’s up?”
The parrot says, “I don’t know how to tell you this, but the postman came
today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on
the lips.”
The man says, “Oh, a momentary flight of passion.”
The parrot says, “Well, maybe, but then he fondled her breasts.”
The man says, “He did?”
The parrot says, “Yes. Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts.”
The man says, “My God, what happened next?!”
The parrot says, “I don’t know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!”
funny black Jokes 21
An Indian chief decided it was time to give his three sons their adult names as
they had reached manhood. So he gathered them into his tent together with the
elders of the tribe.
He turns to the first son, “Son, you will be called Eagle.”
The third son interrupts, “Father, Father, what will I be called?”
“All in good time, my son,” replied the Chief.
He continued, “You will be called Eagle because you are strong and wise.”
The Elders agreed.
He then turned to the second son, but the third son said, “Father, Father, what
will I be called?”
“All in good time, my son,” he replied.
He then continued to the second son, “Son, you will be called Swallow.”
The third son said again, “Father, Father, what will I be called?”
“All in good time, my son,” he replied.
He then continued, “You will be named Swallow because you are quick and
cunning.”
The Elders agreed.
He then turned to the third son who was asking, “Father, father, what will I be
called?”
“Son, you will be called Thrush.”
“Why is that father?” he asked excitedly.
“Because you are an irritating little c**t.”
Black Jokes in English 22
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads ...
HAMBURGER: $1
CHEESEBURGER: $2
HAND JOB: $3
He calls to the attractive blonde behind the counter.
“Can I help you?” she asks with a smile.
“I was wondering,” whispers the man. “Are you the one who gives the hand
jobs?”
“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”
“Well wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”
A man went into a tattoo parlor and asked to have a fifty-dollar bill tattooed on
his dick.
The tattoo artist said, “I’ve had some strange requests but this one tops the lot.
Why in the hell would you want me to tattoo your prick with a picture of a
banknote?”
The man replied, “There are three reasons.
One, I love to play with my money.
Two, when I play with my money, I love to see it grow.
Three, and this is the most important of all, the next time my wife wants to
blow fifty bucks, she won’t have to leave the house!”
Adult Black Jokes 23
A guy is in the bar’s restroom taking a piss when the door opens. In walks a
very large, very muscular guy. This guy proceeds to pull down his pants,
revealing a monster prick.
To the man’s amazement, the muscular guy growls and slams his dick into the
sink attached to the wall. It shatters, spraying pieces and water everywhere.
Next, the muscular man growls louder and slams it into one of the stalls, making
the entire thing collapse. Then he slams it into the wall of the room, knocking a
very large hole into it.
The giant approaches the scared guy taking a piss.
“Hey, buddy, do you see this very large, very strong cock?” he asks.
“Yes,” replies the guy taking a leak.
“Do you know what I am going to do with this very large, very strong cock?”
“No, I’m afraid I don’t.”
“I’m going to shove it up your ass!”
“Jesus, that’s a relief. I thought you were going to hit me with it!”
black Jokes 24
A man who was to be investigated by the IRS asked his accountant for advice
on what to wear.
“Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper,” the
accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question but got the opposite advice.
“Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.”
Confused, the man told a friend of the conflicting advice and asked him what
he should do.
“Let me tell you a story,” replied his friend.
“A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her
wedding night and was told ‘Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes
right up to your neck.’
When she asked her best friend, she was told ‘Wear your most sexy negligee,
with a v-neck right down to your navel.’”
The man said, “What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?”
His friend replied, “No matter what you wear, you’re going to get screwed.”
Adult black Jokes 25
There was a guy who worked at a dildo store, and it was his first day on the
job. At about 12, the boss wanted to go out for lunch, so he said to the new guy,
“I’m going out for lunch. I’m going to review the prices with you so that you
won’t make a bad sale. Now this is our nine-inch white dildo. It’s $15.”
The new guy says, “Nine-inch white, $15. Got it.”
“This is the eleven-inch black dildo. It’s $25.”
“Eleven-inch black, $25. Got it.” So the boss leaves.
A few minutes later, a very elegantly dressed woman walks in. “How much is
that dildo there?” she asks the guy.
“Ah, that’s our nine-inch white dildo, and it sells for $15.”
“What about that black one there?”
“That’s our eleven-inch black, it’s $25.”
“And how much for the plaid one over there?”
“Oh, that’s the twelve-inch tartan dildo. It’s...$50.”
The woman looks at the selection again and decides to buy the tartan one. The
guy wraps it for her and she leaves.
A few minutes later, the boss comes back from lunch. “How’d you do?” he
asks the guy.
“Oh, great! I got $50 for my thermos flask!”
Adult black Jokes 26
There were these two statues in a park, one of a nude man and one of a nude
woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years,
when one day, an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture
brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through the hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes
to do what you’ve wished to do the most.”
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and the giggling ensues. After
fifteen minutes the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, “Um, you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to
do it again?”
He asks her, “Shall we?”
She eagerly replies, “Oh yes, let’s! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll
hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head!”
Adult black Jokes 27
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, “What is the difference
between potentially and realistically?”
The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she
would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if
she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what
you learn from that.”
So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Robert
Redford for a million dollars?”
The mother replied, “Of course, I would! I wouldn’t pass up an opportunity
like that.”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for
a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to
pass up that opportunity!”
The boy pondered for a while, then went back to his dad who asked him, “Did
you find out the difference between potential and realistic?”
The boy replied, “No, sir,” and tells his father the replies he’d been given.
“Well, son,” the father replied. “Surely it’s obvious: Potentially, we’re sitting
on two million dollars but, realistically, we’re living with two sluts.”
Adult black Jokes 28
A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird but there are no laws
preventing weird people from buying condoms. Who knows, maybe it’s a good
thing.
The next day, the same man comes back to the store, purchases yet another
condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly.
This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What could be so funny about
buying a condom, anyway?
So he tells his clerk, “If that guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to
see where he goes.”
Sure enough, the next day the same man is back. He buys the condom, and
again starts cracking up with laughter, then leaves.
The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy. About an hour later, the
clerk comes back to the store.
“Did you follow him? Where did he go?” asks the pharmacist.
Adult black Jokes 29
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of
a sudden, a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted
her legs the bee entered her pussy.
The woman started screaming, “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my
pussy!”
The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the
situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have
a solution to the problem if the young man would permit.”
The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever
method to get the bee out. The doctor said, “OK, what I’m going to do is rub
some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife. When I feel the
bee getting closer to the tip I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully
follow it out.”
The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said, “Yes, yes,
whatever, just get on with it.”
So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, slipped it into a young lady. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has
noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went
deeper and deeper.
After a while, the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.
The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and
groan aloud, “Oh, Doctor, Doctor!” she shouted.
The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He
then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.
At this point, the husband suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now
wait a minute. What the hell do you think you’re doing?!”
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plan, I’m going to drown
the bastard!!”
Adult black Jokes 30
A Catholic schoolgirl is engaged to be married. A few days before the
wedding she goes on a carriage ride with her mother. “Mom, my hands are
cold.”
“Stick them between your legs and they’ll warm up,” says her mother.
The following day she goes on a carriage ride with her fiancé, “My hands are
cold,” he says.
“Stick them between my legs and they’ll warm up,” she says.
The day after that they again go on a carriage ride. “My nose is cold,” says the
fiancé.
“Stick it between my legs and it’ll warm up,” says the girl. On the third day, they are out on another carriage ride. “My penis is cold,” says
the boy.
“Stick it between my legs and it will warm up.”
The girl returns home after the carriage ride and says, “Mom, do you know
what a penis is?”
“Yes,” answers the mother.
Then the girl tells her, “They sure do make a mess when they thaw out.”
Adult black Jokes 31
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting
marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the
doctor what he could do to cure his problem.
In response, the doctor said, “When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling
yourself.”
On the way home the man went to a gun store and bought himself a starter
pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he ran home to his wife. When he
got home he was surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked.
He was so horny and excited to try out his new “system” that he didn’t think
twice and leaped on board.
After a few minutes of “slap and tickle,” they found themselves in the “69”
position. Sure enough, only moments later the man felt the sudden urge to come.
Following the doctor’s orders, he grabbed the starter pistol off the bedside table
and fired it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it
go?”
The man answered, “Just great! When I fired the pistol, my wife crapped on
my face and bit three inches off my dick, and my neighbor came out of the closet
naked with his hands in the air!”
Adult black Jokes 32
Little Johnny was supposed to have a “current event” every day for school.
He never did his homework and one day his teacher said, “Johnny if you
don’t have a current event for class tomorrow you will fail and have to take this
class again next year.”
He went home, went to bed, and forgot all about it. The next morning on his
way to school he remembered and thought to himself, Damn, I forgot to prepare
my current event.
Then he saw a cat with two dogs chasing it run across the railway line. The cat
made it across but a train hit the dogs.
When he got to school he yelled, “Teacher, teacher, I have my current event!”
She said, “OK what is it, Johnny?”
He told her, “This morning on my way to school I saw a cat run across the
railway line and the two dogs that were chasing it got hit in the ass by a train.”
She said, “Johnny! Don’t use language like that. Say ‘rectum.’”
He laughed and said, “Wrecked ’em, hell, it killed ’em both.”
Adult black Jokes 33
On Friday, a 5th-grade teacher says, “Class, every Friday I am going to ask a
question. Whoever gets the question right gets to skip school on Monday.” So
the class is very excited and can’t wait until next Friday.
Friday comes around and the teacher says, “Okay, time for the question of the
week. How many stars are in the sky?” Of course, no one can answer it. Next
week she asks, “How many grains of sand are there on the beach?” Still, no one
can answer.
One student, however, is fed up with this. When he gets home, he paints two
ping-pong balls black. He puts them in a bag and goes to school. When Friday
comes around he takes them to class. The teacher says, “Okay, class, time for the
question of the week.” The boy quickly drops the balls on the floor and they roll
up to her feet.
The teacher says rudely, “Okay, who’s the comedian with the black balls?”
Then the kid says quickly, “Bill Cosby. See you on Tuesday.”
Adult black Jokes 34
A man goes to the doctor and the visit goes like this.
MAN: Doc, I think I’m gay.
DOCTOR: What makes you think you’re gay?
MAN: Well, my dad just announced to our family that HE’S gay.
DOCTOR: Just because your father is gay doesn’t mean that you are. It’s not
hereditary.
MAN: But Doc, I have two uncles and they are BOTH gay.
DOCTOR: Well, that’s just a coincidence. It’s NOT hereditary.
MAN: But I have three brothers, and they are ALL gay.
DOCTOR: Dammit, son! Doesn’t anyone in your family like pussy?!
MAN: Well, sure. My sister does!!
Adult black Jokes 35
Ethel loved to speed around the nursing home in her wheelchair, taking
corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Mad
Mickey stepped out with his arm outstretched.
“STOP!” he shouted in a firm voice. “Have you got a license for that thing?”
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit-Kat wrapper, then
held it up to him.
“OK,” he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel Weird Harold
popped out in front of her and shouted, “STOP! Have you got proof of
insurance?”
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said, “Carry on, ma’am.”
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped
out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand.
“Oh, good grief,” said Ethel. “Not the breathalyzer again!”
Adult black Jokes 36
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds
of ‘boobies’ are there?”
The father, surprised answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In
her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round, and firm. In her thirties
to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions.”
“Onions?” asked the son.
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter asked, “Mom, how
many kinds of penises are there?”
The mother smiles and answers, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his twenties, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and strong. In his thirties and
forties, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it’s like a
Christmas tree.”
“A Christmas tree?” queried the daughter.
“Yes, it’s dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only.”
Adult black Jokes 37
This old woman was in her attic with her cat (whom she loved very much)
when she saw an old bottle. She started wiping the bottle and a genie appeared.
The genie told her she would grant her three wishes. So the old woman wished
to become a beautiful young woman and, POOF, she became a very beautiful
young woman. Then she wished to have her house full of money from the floor
to the ceiling and, POOF, her house filled up with money. Her last wish was for
her beloved cat to become this gorgeous young hunk of a man, and, POOF, her
cat became the biggest hunk she ever laid eyes on. She looked at the man and
said, “I love you.”
The man replied, “I love you too, but now don’t you wish you hadn’t had me
neutered?”
Adult black Jokes 38
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided
to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off!”
“What happened?” asked the bartender politely.
“See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We
stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make
love when her goddamned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out
of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!”
“Gee, that’s tough!” commiserated the bartender.
“Right, but that’s not what really got me aggravated,” the customer went on.
“When her husband came into the room he said ‘Hey great! You’re naked
already! Let me just take a leak.’ And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn’t
piss out the window right onto my head.”
“Yuk!” The bartender shook his head. “No wonder you’re in a lousy mood.”
“Yeah, but I haven’t told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished,
the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My
damned forehead!”
“Damn, that really is a drag!” said the bartender.
“Oh, I’m not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband
had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out
of the window and let loose right on my head!”
The bartender paled. “That would surely mess up my day.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” the fellow rattled on, “but do you know what REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet
were only SIX inches off the ground!!”
Adult black Jokes 39
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath
when one of them noticed that there was a response on the monitor whenever her
crotch was touched.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “Crazy
as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of
the coma.”
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him they’d close the curtains for
privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife’s room.
After a few minutes, the woman’s monitor flatlined. No pulse, no heart rate,
nothing. The nurses ran into the room.
The husband, who was standing beside his wife’s bed pulling up his pants,
said, “Erm... I think she choked.”
Adult black Jokes 40
Two southern and VERY rural sisters, Georgia and Loreen, were sitting on the
porch in rocking chairs discussing Loreen’s recent trip to New York City.
Loreen says, “Sister, did you KNOW that in New York City there are women
who kiss other women on the LIPS?!?!”
Georgia gasps and exclaims, “Oh, sister!!! What do they call them?”
“They call them lesbians,” Loreen replies and drawls out the last word. “And,
sister, did you know that in New York City there are MEN who kiss other men
on the lips?”
“Oh, sister,” says Georgia, fanning herself in a startled frenzy. “What do they
call THEM?”
“They call them GAY,” Loreen says. “And, SISTER, did you KNOW that in
New York City there are MEN who kiss WOMEN on their PRIVATE
PARTS???” Loreen whispers the last part.
To this, Georgia turns as red as the clay beneath the house and nearly falls out
of her chair as she exclaims, “OHHH, sister! What do they call them?!?!?”
Loreen smiles a secretive smile and proudly announces, “Well, I don’t know
but when he looked up I called him Precious!”
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